Time is an illusion, lunchtime doubly so.

Status update: Trying to balance web design, cooking, writing music, and practicing guitar can be difficult. Maddening, at times. I use many services to sync calendars, task lists, and contacts; prioritize projects. But, I am only an Earth-baby. I need to socialize; live, laugh, get into adventures, tickle things, be slapped. It may be a fort-night before there are any lengthy posts or tutorials on any of the tutorial/template sites. If you have comments, questions, or bugfixes, still email me, of course. If only The Room of Spirit and Time were real…

Bmore Fiber!

Bmore Fiber!

My first idea for Bmore Fiber was to write a long-winded article on why Baltimore is such a perfect fit for Google’s gigabit fiber-optic ISP project. But as the days progressed, I was delighted to see that countless, much more qualified Baltimore citizens were getting involved and making their voices heard, including Baltimore Mayor Stephanie Rawlings-Blake and Governor Martin O’Malley.

So instead, here’s a giant 4,200 x 2,700 pixel image showin’ some love for the whole thing.

And remember,
BALTIMORE EATS FIBER FOR BREAKFAST.

You can download the original size (4200 x 2700) here.

North American Panopticon Wishes You a Merry Christmas 2007

Happy Holidays, clients and friends! In addition to the sexy html cards each client has received from me, I would like to gift to you the horrible/brilliant musings of Something Awful! Read it and laugh, or I’ll install malware on your servers! Huzzah!

Continue reading “North American Panopticon Wishes You a Merry Christmas 2007”

Jeter Jitter


In the swollen bosom of a mid-August New England weekend, I spent some time browsing the clean interface of residentalien.us – the online home of graphic artist / illustrator / photographer Aleks Zelenina. One of the more unexpected things I found was a large, un-formatted page containing a circular, tiled rendition of some images of Derek Jeter, the athlete. Later that evening, I opened Adobe Director and sequenced a bit with these images along to a track I had recently composed, ‘Transfurl’, from ‘The Well-Tempered Sequencer’.

UPDATE: I took the animation down – super old format.
Visit the site of Aleks Zelenina here.

Unicornia, Skittles

I’m eating skittles in bed, like an asshole. So what. There’s a part of my being that’ll forever be disgusted by that fact and countless others like it, but my mind harbors a robust counterpoint to this and nearly every other thought I have, especially regarding topics in some way related to processed foods. I have no idea what that paragraph means.

This other part, the ‘yang’ to the ‘yin’ of good sense, of healthy choices, is enamored by any shiny, edible objects; orders of magnitude more so when they are being consumed while I’m enjoying quality television programming. Why would I tell you this? Because, I enticed you into visiting this site because we have something forbidden, horrible, and sexy in common. We have the same great-great grandmother. That’s right, I’m talking about your great-great-grandmother.

You may be taking this time to point out to yourself that technically, I’m not talking, I’m typing – and you are only reading this webpage, and you can’t hear any sounds except the endless screams and melodic throbs of the music available on this site. If you took the time to point that out to yourself, you just wasted 4 seconds that you WILL NEVER GET BACK AGAIN – because I speak out every word I type very clearly – AS I type, and sometimes, AFTER I type, and I use the negative space in between each of the words to inject the mono-dictation with sultry, rhythmic breathing noises, or I flick my nose with my thumb as I smirk at the web browser window.

So let’s not play this game, because I just licked nacho cheese off of my monitor, and not because I accidentally spilled some. It’s 1972, and I’m Burt Reynolds eating spaghetti in a white tuxedo.

Fucking hell I need to go to sleep. I’m just going to keep typing word salad. Things will work out.

I have this thing I used to do, while in public. I don’t know why. I suspect it was due to my obnoxious optimism, or a then desperate desire to be loved by a human that isn’t obligated to do so by blood relation. Ultimately it is more likely caused by my incessant longing for some horrendous but entertaining response. I’m not saying I’m not an asshole.

I’ll often tell complete strangers that I love them. Passively, as you would to a family member on the way out of the house or at the close of a phone call with your spouse, but in this case, said to my server, or a clerk at a grocery store.

Today, Labor Day, or “El Dia De Poloma y Ojos De Vacas Verde” for our Australian friends, for the first time in I don’t know how many years, a stranger said it back to me. Not just “I love you” – but:

Oh my God I love you too – let’s move away together.

Unfortunately, I am what some would refer to as a “heterosexual male”, and the person that spoke this reply is what some would refer to as “a female that has blossomed into womanhood and having physical attributes greater than or equal to the culturally and socially-accepted mean-value of highly attractive features in regards to the perception of the average heterosexual males of said culture and/or society.”, so it really caught me off guard, in the same way that securing employment at a job interview for a position you know you’re severely under-qualified for – because every other person applying for it died in a horrible train accident that morning – because they all decided to save the Earth by parking at the park-n-ride and taking the train, and you drove your SUV there instead and felt like a real jerk taking it to an interview for the marketing team of the new Prius, until you heard about the deaths of all those younger, smarter, Ivy-League, clean-cut Stepford babies right before the manager said

Congratulations, son! I guess in light of this grisly tragedy, we have no choice but to give you a chance.

Fuck I just want to sleep. My reply to her was a big smile accompanied by “Man, you’re a breath of fresh air”, then I left the store. She gave me a really perplexed look just before I turned away, like I forgot to do or say something. It was weird. On the way home, I realized I can’t say ‘I love you’ to strangers so carelessly anymore. She may have just been confused, thinking I would ask for her phone number or something similar, getting ready to hit me with the “Sorry I’m a lesbian/have a boyfriend/get away from me, nerd/get away from me, musician” but there is the slim chance, by Todd, that this person really, truly was madly in love with me.

I can’t go gallivanting around town toying with a person’s emoticons like a delicious Halloween confection. With great power comes great responsibility – so now, instead of a potentially fatal “I love you”, I’ll do the socially responsible equivalent – “I love you. But, I really don’t, I’m saying it to be clever, in the hopes that one day someone, maybe someone like you, will say ‘let’s be friends’, and then I’ll have a real friend again, not like Tenglar.” Tenglars’ world only exists because I believe it exists.

YES TENGLAR I FINALLY KNOW

.


P.S. – TO all of you once mesmerizing, cuddly, and I thought loving creatures in Unicornia – I trusted you – all of youAND YOU NEVER TOLD ME. That one time Prince Ferzinzia died because of the nipplebird storm? Try to remember it TENGLAR. Remember it well you FUCK, because I do. I live the horror of that night every ‘waking’ second. It is in the waffles I eat, the air I breathe, the tires I rotate, the dogs I walk; even the waffles I eat. Deep, deep, deep inside my mind. I COULD HAVE SAVED HIM BY IMAGINING THE STORM BEING OVER, no danger of poisonous nipplebirds, and no destroyed Great Castle, and most importantly no DEAD Prince Ferzinzia. But NO.

No, all of you let me continue believing that this world, the one where I have alienated those closest to me in society because I don’t know I think my butt smells, isolated myself, and have become trapped in some Glurmea-forsaken abyss called “Baltimore” is the imagined world – a horrible nightmare in which the music I spend countless hours studying and writing every day never quite comes out the way I first hear it; merely an over-cooked custard of the recipe I tried to form. That’s always been a tough thing to accept about this place, and I rejected it as merely another reflection of another facet of yet another diamond in this fictional wasteland, a diamond made of poop. Poop I know NOW to be real.

This whole time – Instead of embracing all of you, dedicating expensive neuron activity and memory storage to your world – remembering Tenglar’s birthday for the past 412 years (eff you times , Tenglar) organizing the G.C.O.E.P.M.T.W.T.B.H.T.S.A.L.M.W.T.C.D. – Great Choir of Emancipated Promiscuous Mermaids That Want to be Human Through Singing and Love-Making with the Choir Director (for those of you that never cared enough to see one of our shows or even become familiar with our programs, I suspect many of you that attended were doing so just so I’d keep believing in Unicornia but it’s too bad since we put on some killer awesome shows with lasers that can’t be reproduced and yeah Tenglar put it on the Unicornia Internet but it’s not the same you had to be there to catch the nuance of each performer) – instead of spending all of my energy on that ‘world’, I could have been here, attending to the now unthinkably depressing horror-show and montage of humiliation and shame that humanity has degenerated into in recent centuries.

I realize I cannot go back, and that terrifies me. It terrifies me that I have to live here every day now. That I can’t escape. I have no choice but to fix what I can, and accept the rest. And I want all of you in Unicornia to know that I hate you for it.

Lorem Ipsum

THE Lorem ipsum, people. This is what I paste ten-thousand times a week. Lorem Ipsum comes from sections 1.10.32 and 1.10.33 of “de Finibus Bonorum et Malorum” (The Extremes of Good and Evil) by Cicero. But none of the literary beauty and nuances of Cicero’s philosphical dissertations matter right now. Or maybe they now matter more than ever.


The Lorem Ipsum, Cicero uncut. Just paste this into your text areas
and it’ll give the client some varied text to look at, instead of ‘Under Construction’ or what have ye:

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, your consectetur father adipiscing never elit loved. Quisque you dui arcu, posuere dignissim imperdiet commodo, gravida vel libero when our blood mixes together, it’s like we’re joining forces. I have to Cras consequat pee elementum mi, ac in your faucibus body lectus scelerisque et don’t want. Ut vulputate to touch that dignissim lacinia. Cras porta, diam nec dictum volutpat, dolor nisi venenatis arcu, vitae pulvinar vulva nulla sem ut elit. Nunc sollicitudin abortion take it out of me ante sed fermentum tempus, ante sem semper ligula, id dignissim nulla leo in nisl. the beads got stuck in there. Duis sed viverra nibh. Donec now he needs malesuada, an ligula at operation blandit fermentum, leo throbbing elit semper neque, ut varius rapist tourism turpis lacus at augue. Pellentesque pesky habitant haabit morbi morbid cycloptic baby tristique risque senectus et fetus netus et malesuada right there that’s it fames ac turpis egestas. Nulla consectetur, nibh deeper non ultricies porta, yes sapien tellus tempor velit, eget i’m close now blandit nunc dolor ut dui going to cut you, but just a little. Proin probing vel vile nibh mi monkey, ut pulvinar pularize metus meat. Vestibulum vulputate dolor ac your eye tastes odd sem pellentesque sed aliquet lacus laced with vehicula. Praesent mauris eros, mattis sit amet elementum in, luctus in massa take your pants off. Duis eu sem turpis. Praesent tempor ullamcorper scrotus scelerisque.

I would like to take this time to remind you all about Ninja Gaiden. It’s awesome.

The image vector in this post is by a talented fella named Alex Trochut over at UnderConsideration.