It’s been such a long road as a consumer. So many products and services bought over the years; it’s easy to be cynical and jaded, unable to be impressed when real innovation stands before you.
But then you get a chance to use the Micro S’Mores Automatic S’Mores maker, and your life changes forever.
I first caught a glimpse of this delightful invention as it sat on a dusty thrift-store shelf in West Baltimore. Could it be? Have all my years of pain and tears finally come to an end? Of the thousands of automatic S’Mores machines and construction services I’ve purchased over the years, not a single one of them has ever worked properly.
I had given up long ago, surrendering to the cold realization that every time I wanted S’Mores, I’d have to manually put each one together. Here’s a break-down of the steps we’re used to, and why they’re so stressful, irresponsible, and dangerous:
Impale marshmallow on a stick or other stick-like object.
- Missing the marshmallow, and stabbing stick through hand and into leg.
- Possibly stabbing entirely through leg and out the other end, causing severe arterial bleeding.
- Marshmallow burns.
- Roast fatigue from having to hold the marshmallow over a fire, which brings me to the next point…
Roast the Marshmallow with FIRE
- Fire is required to roast the marshmallow, but you have to make the fire first, from trees.
- Fire has caused more than 23 deaths, possibly more. I’m just counting fire deaths of emperor penguins during the 1973-1974 Antarctic winter season, as it is the only statistical data I currently have access to. (It could be even more for all global species.)
- Fire has hypnotic powers that may cause the marshmallow-roaster to see visions, creating any number of secondary issues.
- Fire requires ignition to burn. As I’ve recently discovered, you can’t just place logs in a pile and expect them to catch fire on queue.
- Place the marshmallow on a heat-resistent surface until graham crackers and chocolate can be procured.
- Align chocolate square on top of one half of one graham cracker.
- Place marshmallow on chocolate square.
- Place second half of graham cracker on top of marshmallow.
- Compress the S’More.
- Wait 15seconds – 90 minutes, depending on taste preferences.
- Consume S’More.
Now, even when you’ve finished roasting the marshmallow on the fire – if you’ve survived this long – you still have quite a way to go:
Still with me? How terrible is that? By my very conservative calculations, it takes 19 hours 30 minutes to complete construction of one S’More using conventional methods. I don’t know about you, but I’m a very busy man with lots of business things going on at any given moment. I can’t take a vacation day every time I want a snack anymore.
Now let’s take a look at the Micro S’Mores Automatic S’Mores Machine.
The first thing I saw was the shocking notice on the packaging:
Core Fusion Technology comes to the S’Mores industry, at last. Swept by the excitement, I quickly ran into my study, gathered my science goggles, and went to the kitchen to begin testing. Taking a closer look at the technical specifications and structural components provided on the side of the packaging, it’s easy to deduce what powers this Core Fusion:
Yep. They’re harnessing mother nature itself using
GRAVITY and ELECTROMAGNETISM
[one_half_last]After a few minutes spent slapping myself in the face, I placed the S’More assembly in the central turbine gravity shaft, and programmed the Micro-Wave (not included with Micro S’Mores machine).
Twenty-five seconds later, I was greeted with a poor caricature of camp-fire s’mores; soggy and structurally depressing. But edible. I give this product a 4 out of 5 kittehs.
I conclude by turning your attention to the mascot for Micro S’Mores, a fear-drenched child, consumed with mourning for our species, adrift in a sea of consumerism, transfixed by the face of death: