Come, watch a fine, feature-length film with me, your host, uh, whatever.
I just went to the super-market to buy some dinner to cook so I can eat it or whatever. Near the checkout, there was a rack of DVD’s. Seeing a Bruce Lee movie I’ve never heard of, I grabbed it, put the DVD in the basket, and paid the most well-spent $4.99 ever. When I got to my apartment, I took a closer look at the DVD, and coudn’t find any actual mention of Bruce Lee, aside from the title on the cover of the DVD’s box. I’m just going to put it in – this Bruce Lee movie, for some entertainment while I cook. You don’t get surprises like this with Netflix or iTunes.
This film is called “Bruce Lee Fights Back from the Grave”, which I think in English roughly translates to (assuming they’re being truthful about the obvious implication that Bruce Lee has something to do with this movie):
Click here to watch the full movie on YouTube.
(If it’s still up. EDIT: As of 11/2012, it is.)
“Holy hell we’re out of ideas for Bruce Lee merchandise, and we already did the DVD editions of every movie he made, but we have all this lame footage laying around, and I’d like a yacht, and plus Bruce Lee’s son is dead, so we’ll get all the money, so buy this piece of crap, because after you buy it you can call up your friend, and somewhere in the conversation pretend to randomly be wondering:
‘What Bruce Lee movies do you have, man?’
Then he’ll list all the movies that Bruce Lee ever made, and you know that he owns all of them, just like you do, but he answers you anyway because the two of you haven’t talked about Bruce Lee in like 3 months, which is a really long time not to mention Bruce Lee, and when he’s done you can be like
‘Yeah, I have those, of course.’
And then drop the bomb:
‘…and the new one, obviously.’
Then pretend it’s such old news that you don’t even care and change the topic to something that’ll just piss him off, like ‘Oh, dude, my date with your sister was great last night, we played Dungeons and Dragons…and had intercourse repeatedly.
Lol, just kidding Ted.
At five minutes in, this is worthy of MST3k. Nothing has really happened yet. Maybe Bruce Lee sort of comes back from the dead as a ghost that kicks everyone’s ass. Except it’s probably not really him, it’s a guy named Bruce Li or Leigh. The moral of the story is undoubtedly the same as any Bruce Lee movie, however: Bruce Lee will eventually kick everyone’s ass, even if he doesn’t want to. If you go after him, he’ll kill you and absorb residual affection from your girlfriend. A tower of bad guys, a room of mirrors, you can’t beat him with any fancy crap like that.
Happening now – ten minutes in or so, there are these two guys studying in a dojo, Ryu and Ken style, and one of them says (paraphrasing) “Screw the master’s teachings, I want money and power. I am leaving the dojo right now, going to America, and I’ll be back in three years with mad money and power, and I’m gonna ask you to join me, but you’ll see that I’ve become evil, so you’ll say no because you love our Sensei and the way of Buddha, and the last fight scene will be me and you fighting to the death, except by then I can kick your ass, so the ghost of Bruce Lee helps you and your guys kill me, but in between now and then you’ll have a love interest, and Bruce Lee will teach you some philosophical stuff, and you’ll have to beat up like ten thousand bad-guy pawns. But it’s cool, they’ll only attack one at a time, and none of them believe in using a firearm, even though they sell heroin and kill helpless girls, and trash Chinese-food restaurants for a living. ”
Ah – the guy that leaves the dojo for riches gets killed while in America, from a gambling debt or dysentery or something. This movie must have had a horribly low budget, something like ten billion dollars. But Hong Kong dollars, which is like three cents in World War II-era German Marks U.S. currency and a super-mega-ultra-stoned director with one eye and no ears and leprosy.
There’s this scene where the good guy is depressed, and he’s at a bar drinking shots of “rum”. To illustrate that he is taking shot after shot after shot, they show footage of him taking the shot, then footage of a slimy, greasy anorexic stripper on the stage twirling around on a pole (likely wondering if she’ll have the time to go apply to be a real stripper somewhere in downtown Hong Kong, after they have finished filming her for this scene), then they show the same footage of him taking the shot, then the stripper again, then the same footage again. Four times. Ah – Now he’s at home. A bald black man jumps out of his closet, as bald black men love to do in the apartments of easily excitable Chinese men. The intruder – I kid you not – is wearing big white underwear, leather boots, a huge black cape with the Dracula collar, and is carrying a tiny little tomahawk, I guess a Village People prop.
Nice, another flashback. Wow – this one is unbeatable: The sensei of these two guys, earlier in his life – (this is seriously in the movie; they did a flashback, and some lady, presumably the love interest,is telling the good guy about it) – he ran a different, highly successful dojo. One day, during a lesson, a student of his decided to try to break a brick with his forehead, but hurt his stupid head instead. The parents of the student sued the sensei and took “every penny he had, millions and millions of dollars, and he was ruined, so he moved away and started over.” Umm…o…kaaay…now there’s a cowboy on the screen for some reason. They did a slow-pan close-shot of him, starting at the feet, and going up to his beady black eyes, creamy and jello-like in appearance. Ok, Bruce Lee is actually not in this movie at all, nor did he have anything to do with it. Maybe it is a guy named Bruce Li. It is.
P.S. – On the back of the box, in the credits, the Art department reads exactly like this:
[Art Director: WONG KIM FATT DICK STEVENSON CARLO VENI]
Edit, 2011: I forgot this was published, amazingly, on a movie review site. Yep.