Happy Holidays, clients and friends! In addition to the sexy html cards each client has received from me, I would like to gift to you the horrible/brilliant musings of Something Awful! Read it and laugh, or I’ll install malware on your servers! Huzzah!
[re-posted from somethingawful]
North American Panopticon is pleased to wish all tier 1 through tier 6 inmate services employees and their families a Merry Christmas or Appropriate Holiday Tiding. Tier 7 and higher inmate services employees will be receiving silver or gold box year-end awards depending on their performance.
—-ATTENTION ALL INMATE SERVICES EMPLOYEES—-
In observation of CHRISTMAS we will be deactivating all capital processing centers for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. Please remember to open the flues at all remains processing facilities to allow SANTA CLAUS down the ash effluent stacks.
Due to CODE EPSILON conditions prevailing at Sunny Valley Offshore Correction Platform, all tiers of inmate services are exempted from holiday services and allowed to employ the Almighty’s Vengeance to suppress riot conditions.
For 2007 HOLIDAY CORRECTIONS MENUS please enter your tier 3 or higher calamity code and continue to NUTRITION OUTPUT briefing.
North American Panopticon is pleased to announce the 2007 Holiday Corrections Menus for all hard-canopy facilities. Soft facilities, black facilities, gray facilities, and double red facilities are not included. Triple red facilities you may open your sealed holiday crates whenever ready.
All USA custodial inmates to receive:
One extra fruit item (cup or piece)
4 ounces additional nutraloaf
2 extra near-milks
1.75 additional cigarettes (Parlor Man Brand)
In addition, all inmates are to be provided with a clothprint photograph of a holiday beach animal at rest:
All inmates are to receive 10-minutes additional dark time in the de-sense tanks. Wish them a happy holiday before they enter.
Please Note: USA law may still apply to actions at custodial facilities. Please consult USA and local law before administering dark time.
All Texas Deep-6 Ultramax Pit Cans:
One extra humans-grade meat drop will be provided by Nice Food of Galveston. Please open drop hatch on Christmas Day and await helicopter food drop. Be mindful of crawl-outs and arm percussion barriers. The Eyes of the Board are upon you after last year’s failure to prevent the laceration deaths of nine non-capital clients. North American Panopticon is a for-profit rehabilitation service, not a horror trap slowly closing its iron jaws around human civilization.
Do you believe Chairman Petteridge to be demented? No? Then do not conduct yourselves as though you are sick, hate-filled organs in a precision meat machine that lives and devours to dehumanize and propogate its own cancerous tissues into the body of humanity.
Applebee’s Sector Slam inmates to receive:
Complimentary onion fried bacon chili (animal grade)
3 near-cheddar quesadilla chorizo ranch blasts
1 portion clarified butter
1 portion dipping sauce (computer randomized)
One simulated hug (video)
Lambspoke Penitentiary inmates to receive:
5 additional doses of CLARITUS to be administered in drinking water
1 additional vitamin injection
1 hour Holiday Whisper Recordings
1 hour Ascending Tones & Calliope Jam Dance
1 minute arousal therapy during which they may be permitted to look upon a woman’s head, but not her face. Please use the Beauty Study Photograph from your compliance manual, attached here for completion’s sake:
Facilities Not Listed here:
Your facility is in supply hibernation mode or has not met quotas established in 2006. You may receive additional Nutraloaf or Protochow. Distribute as desired and have a tolerable holiday.
Tier 7 and higher, beat the Christmas freeze! Accelerate capital processing! Motivate your inmate services subordinates by printing out your favorite Last Meals/Last Words from SECUREX. Available now in PDF and Panoptireader format, bless you Chairman Petteridge.